That pretty much says it all.
Disclaimer: I debated on whether to post about this at all. It is going to be a pretty personal post – and a long one too. But this is my life and there’s no getting around it.
First a brief history for those of my blogging friends that I haven’t known for too long.
My wonderful husband and I have been married for 8 ½ years. We have a beautiful, healthy little girl who turns 6 this June. My pregnancy with her was fairly normal and healthy. I was very sick for the first 4-5 months but this was normal. I loved her from the moment I found out I was pregnant and even wrote her letters regularly, which I have kept to share with her later.
Fast forward two years: I learned I was pregnant again. From the start, this pregnancy was the complete opposite of my first. I was never sick AT ALL! All I remember was feeling EXHAUSTED all the time! That, and that I felt nothing for my unborn child. I agonized over this. Why couldn’t I love it? Why couldn’t I get excited about it? This was answered when I went in for my first doctor’s visit around 10 weeks. It was a miscarriage. At first I was shocked and extremely sad. Then I felt guilt. Soon I realized (through the help of a Priesthood Blessing) that this was the right thing. There was a reason and purpose for it. The Lord had a plan for our family, and this was part of the plan.
That was three years ago. Then just a couple of months ago, I realized I was pregnant again. I wasn’t very surprised when the test was positive, but when I told Ryan I think he just about fell off his feet! He was shocked! We were both cautiously optimistic. After the last miscarriage, we had decided not to reveal any more pregnancies until after hearing a heartbeat and we recommitted to this right away.
It was only about a week or so later that I began to feel sick. For me this was a little bit of a relief. But also a relief was that while I was feeling quite sick, it wasn’t nearly as severe and I never even threw up once! (Though I came close several times.) About the same time as the sickness set in, Ryan and I both felt more positive about the outcome of the pregnancy. We felt we had received confirmation that it would be normal. We started to get excited. We even gave in and broke our own rule by telling our best friends here that we were expecting. This proved to be a good move as we see them and talk to them quite often and 1) it would have been hard to hide it, and 2) they were very helpful while I felt sick. I also confided in a friend of ours that I knew didn’t have contact with anyone else we know. It helped to have people we could talk to without worrying about letting anything slip.
But after a couple more weeks I began to suspect something might not be right. I was a little concerned because while I felt quite sick and sore, I also felt very tired. Yes, I know that is very normal. But with my history, the exhaustion worried me. Even worse, I felt no connection to this child either. I told myself it was a defense mechanism. That subconsciously I was protecting myself from getting emotionally invested until after I heard the heart beat. And once I heard it, everything would change. I tried not to worry, but it was hard not to wonder.
About 2 weeks ago I started to feel small cramps. I do not ever recall cramping during my previous miscarriage, but then I was not expecting or looking for signs of a miscarriage at all then. These were very small. And to be honest, I wasn’t positive it was that kind of cramp. I thought maybe they could be gas cramps. Then 1 week ago I saw my first sign of spotting. This was not good. Spotting can be found in normal pregnancies, but when I had my miscarriage before, the first sign of it I had was when I began spotting at 10 weeks. Still, I held out hope. After all, it was just the smallest amount, and it did not necessarily mean anything was wrong.
A few days later I had the beginnings of a migraine. I go through an estrogen withdraw every month. And when I woke up from my DNC following the miscarriage before, my head was SCREAMING at me for the sudden estrogen withdraw it had just gone through. Again, I told myself that 1) I had a cold, it could be congestion and a sinus headache, and 2) the nurse had told me that women who have migraines during their “cycle” are more common to experience them during pregnancy. It could still be normal.
The last week or so has been nothing but a daze. I was uncomfortable, worried, trying not to be worried, still trying to pretend I wasn’t pregnant when around everyone else, and all I could think of was Thursday morning when I would find out for sure. I felt like I was in limbo. I couldn’t go forward in any direction and it was very difficult trying to be patient.
Thursday morning, at 10 weeks, 6 days I went in to see the doctor. I told her my concerns and expressed how anxious I was to hear a heartbeat so I could know how to move forward. My doctor is wonderful. She is kind, patient, and honest. She talked with me the entire time and shared everything she found as she came across it. But in the end, she didn’t find much at all. The ultrasound showed the beginnings of a pregnancy, but not an 11 week old one. We did one final test that confirmed I had miscarried again.
Since then, my migraine has peaked and is getting easier to handle now. I made the decision not to have another DNC. And now my body has begun the unpleasant process of ridding itself of the remains. I am hoping that things move along quickly. Ryan was originally scheduled to work OT on Monday and Tuesday, but quickly made other arrangements so he could be with me. I expect it to be a pretty intense few days, but with Ryan here and some good drugs I am sure I will be alright.
I learned a lot from my last miscarriage and I know there was a definite purpose for it. I don’t know yet the reason for this miscarriage, but I have faith in a Heavenly Father who loves me. I know that I can trust Him and His plan for me and my family. It doesn’t make this easy to go through, but it does make it easier.
I have been blessed with a couple of very good friends who have been quick to respond and show they care for me. Their support has been very comforting and I believe it has made our friendships stronger.
I have especially been blessed with a kind and gentle husband. He had been so patient and understanding of my condition while I was sick during the pregnancy. He catered to my needs, took care of the family needs, while still seeing to his responsibilities as a provider for our family and his calling in church. The past few days he has been even more loving and generous in his actions. Even though this is a loss for him as well, he has focused all his attention on me and helping me through this.
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I wrote the above post earlier this morning. We have just finished watching the final session of General Conference and I have a few more thoughts.
As counseled by a good friend, I have watched General Conference this weekend with the purpose of listening for whisperings of the spirit. Many of the talks touched me. And the music was beautiful and inspired, I was touched my several of the songs as well.
Because of this weekend’s conference and the programs shown between sessions, I have found some meaning to this experience. I believe that the Lord has spoken to my heart and I know what direction we are to go now. I feel impressed that while we have not received the blessing we were expecting, we now have the opportunity to participate in an even greater blessing. At the moment I first realized this, I became overwhelmed by the feeling of peace.
The Lord works in mysterious ways and He teaches us line upon line, precept upon precept. We are given trials to test us. And often it is through these trials and enduring them faithfully that our hearts and minds are open to ideas that we would not have considered before. This trial is not over and there will more to endure, but knowing at least part of the purpose for it makes it much easier to bear.
Proverbs 3:5-6 – Possibly now my 2nd favorite scripture.
