THIS is the reason.

Today I learned that my friend's 12 year-old daughter passed away suddenly after a sudden, freak accident while playing.

I have not met my friend, or her family.  We have been "blog friends" for a few years, and for most of that time, we lived relatively close to each other and talked a few times of getting the kids together to meet and play, but it just never seemed to happen, and then they moved away.

When I saw that Lizzy had passed away, I told Ryan and Acadia.

This morning, we had awoken to find the Easter bunny had come during the night.  The girls had fun as they looked through their baskets and found hidden eggs.  But afterwards, when I told Acadia about Lizzy, it kind of put a damper on the fun we were having.  Cadi said, "Today is a bad day."

"Today is not a bad day," I told her, "it is a sad day for her family and friends, but it's not a bad day.  Easter is not about bunnies, chocolate, and eggs.  THIS is the reason Christ died for us.  THIS is the very reason why we celebrate Easter."

I am so grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  I pray that my friend and her family will find comfort in their understanding of the gospel of Jesus Christ and the promise that their family will be reunited after this life.  Please keep my friend, Julia and her family in your prayers.

Grandma Lila

We have some great family here - aunts, uncles, and cousins.  We love getting together with them.  We frequently get together with the Hills.  From the first time I met Uncle Matthew, he treated me like I was HIS family, not his wife's ex-husband's family.  Matthew IS my uncle and I couldn't love him any more than I already do.  His mom was the same way.  She was so friendly to us.  She was fun to be around, kind, and gentle.  She's been sick for the last couple of years and last night she peacefully passed on, surrounded by family who loved her.

We'll miss Grandma Lila.  Family dinners won't be the same.  She had a great sense of humor.  We laughed so much when we took turns trying on her wig after her last chemo. lol  I don't think I ever heard her say anything unkind or unpleasant.  She was just what a grandma should be.  I'm so glad that my cousins had such a great grandma, and I'm also glad that they were willing to share her with us.

Everything my uncle is, Grandma Lila was, too.  So welcoming, loving, and generous.  She lives on in him and all of the other people who's lives she's touched.  She will be missed greatly!  But we are so happy that she is free from her ailing body now, has rest from her earthly trials, and we look forward to the day when we will all be together again.

We love you, Grandma Lila!

In mourning.

Yesterday, in Relief Society, we talked about sacrifice. One of the things we talked about sacrificing is our pride.

check.

Growing up, I didn't care about sports. I still don't care about most sports. But I LOVE football. I really do. I love watching the game, I love hard hits, I love amazing plays... it's not even about the guys in tight pants anymore (which was the best part about going to high school football games back before I cared about the actual game). ;)
I especially love Patriots football. I really, really, do. I think we've got great players. I think Belichick is a genius and Brady is brilliant. I love that we don't have one or two guys that we always go to for great plays. We have so many great guys, we use them all. Our defense is young, but they are learning and growing and doing pretty dang good in the meantime. The Patriots are a really good, solid team.

Except for yesterday. There was no fire, no excitement, they were going through the motions but no one brought their heart. It wasn't just one person - I don't even think it was all Brady's fault this time. Balls were dropped, defenders were let through the line, stupid violations were made... it was a mess. I hate it when we lose. I hate it even more when we lose to the Jets (come on, ANYONE but the Jets!!! ... Okay, or the Giants cause I still hold a grudge there, too. lol). But I hate it most when we lose and deserved it. And yesterday, based on how they were playing, they totally deserved to lose. I think that's what bugs me the the most.

Hey, I showed up. I was here, cheering, wearing my red, white, and blue... excited, hopeful, talking smack... but it was as if I cared more than they did. I know that can't be true, but they sure played like it is. They let me down. Big time. I'm mad... I'm hurt... I'm seriously disappointed.

Watching from the sidelines.

Sometimes time and distance changes things.

I love my family and I miss interacting with them on a daily basis like I was able to before Ryan and I moved 14 years ago. At first, it was really hard for me, I was so homesick! For years, I wanted to move back so we could be near them again. But time has lessened that feeling. I still love and miss them, but I don't feel homesick anymore. I'm happy where I am and I don't need to move back in order to feel like I'm home. I feel like this is my home and it's where I want to be.

My relationships with my family members have changed because of this. And that makes me sad. I don't feel as close to them, or they to me. I really wish they knew my girls better and had better relationships with them. When I go home to visit, I feel like an outsider. Not that anyone treats me like that - just that I don't know the history behind things, or inside jokes, or what is "the usual".

And then there are the times when something happens and I hear the recounting of the story, but of course, I am not there, so I don't really understand all of it. And I realize that. In some ways, it's easier during those times. I am 600 miles away from the drama, stress, emotions, etc. so when I step away from the e-mail or hang up the phone, I can go on with my daily life and try not to think about what is going on. But that just makes me more of an outsider, and who wants to feel that way about family?

I don't know the answers. I watch from the sidelines because I'm not involved and I wasn't there, so I can't really say anything. My thoughts or feelings hardly count because I wasn't there, I don't know. So, I wait to see how things turn out. It's kind of a miserable feeling. I want to say, "Can't we all just get along?" But I know full well that if I was there, it wouldn't be that simple.

It's hard to know that people are having a hard time and there isn't anything you can do about it. It's hard to sit from the sidelines and just watch things happen to your family that you have no control or say over. I know that I don't know exactly what happened or what it's like, so I know I can't fully judge either way and I can't really say what I think because what I think is only a 600 mile away point of view based on only what I've heard. Because I wasn't there and don't know the full story, I try not to judge or draw conclusions of my own. I try to give the benefit of the doubt. But I know that the ones there can't do that and they do have to make choices on how to handle it and I certainly can't tell them what choice to make because, of course, I wasn't there - I don't know. I also realize that my feelings and opinions are going to be a little different simply because of the distance/seperation between me and everyone else - and that they might not be what's right for those who are actually there and IN it.

Some of my husband's extended family don't speak to each other. There are siblings that haven't spoken in years. And when he is in the area, he has to see them seperately because they refuse to be anywhere that the others are. Sometimes they even get mad if a family member goes to visit and sees the others, even if they also go to see them, too. It's not just inconvenient for those of us who are there to visit family, it's also just plain sad. I never thought something like that would ever happen to my family - and I don't know that it will - I really hope it won't, but I can kind of see now how it could start.

I want the best for each of my siblings and for my family as a whole. I am the oldest and when I did still live at home, most of my siblings were still kids. I naturally had more of an influence (for better or worse, lol) back then. Now, they are all adults and even if I was there, they are capable of, and responsible for, making their own decisions. I don't want to make anyone's decisions for them but it does leave me feeling kind of helpless. I hope that whatever changes need to be made, are made. And whatever needs to be forgiven, is forgiven. Ultimately, I hope and pray that there is growth for everyone and that as everyone moves forward, it is done in a way that makes our family stronger. From here, I feel like hoping and praying is all I can do. :S

"Disappointment"

The word disappointment could be defined as:

Going to the orthodontist thinking you would be getting your braces off only to find instead that you'd be getting one more bracket put on.

Poor Cadi. :( So now, instead of having braces on just her four front teeth, she has them on five. Last month they had indicated that she could be getting them off this visit. I guess the key word there was "could".

Needless to say, it's a mashed potatoes night.

Bishop Green

This week has been a roller coaster.  I don't really have to words to explain it all, but we started out the week with our Bishop, Ed Green, in the hospital and we thought he was going to be okay, but within a couple of days he was in the ICU and not expected to survive.  We rushed to try to do what we thought might help the family, counseled with our stake leaders to receive training and guidance, began to inform the ward that our bishop was not doing well and was probably not going to make it, we made personal visits and phone calls, telling the members one by one to prepare them, etc.  And yesterday morning, our bishop passed away. 

Sometimes the things you fear the most become the most beautiful blessings and experiences.  I have felt that way for the last two days.  The start of this week was hard, I was crushed, nervous, heartbroken, unsure how the ward would handle it, etc.  Meeting with our stake leaders brought me strength and confidence, though I was still sad and worried how the ward would do.  Thursday was long and draining but I was so comforted by the response of the members.  As I bore witness to them of the Lord's hand in all of this, they too bore witness to me.  It is true that the Lord had been preparing all of us, we just hadn't known it at the time.  Yesterday was a special day spent with the family and it healed the wounds in my heart to be with them; to visit, remember, laugh, cry, plan, hug, etc.  They feel peace.  And I do, too.

My feelings about Bishop are tender and sacred to me.  I wish everyone could have known him!  He is truly one of the greatest men I've ever known.  I love him, I relied on him, he became a father figure in my life and I miss him very much.  Life has not stopped just because he was losing his fight, the ward still has needs, and even last night I caught myself thinking, "I need to tell the Bishop..."  But I trust the Lord.  I know that God knows Ed Green and that he was called to serve as a Bishop at this time for a reason.  I know that he was kept in the office of Bishop until this time for a reason.  And I know that I, too, was called to serve as Relief Society President during the time when our bishop would battle cancer, spend months in isolation as he healed from a bone marrow transplant, and would later pass away - for a reason.  Additionally, I believe that each member of our ward has been placed to be in this ward at this time, for a reason.  We have some things to learn from it.  I consider this one of Bishop's last lessons for us, his last sermon.  Ed Green trusted the Lord with all of his heart and he dedicated his life to serving Him.  He was such an example to all of us who knew and loved him.  If we could each just be a little more like him, this world would be such a wonderful place.

I love you, Bishop!  Thank you, so very much, for all you have taught me.  For your patience, you counsel, your support, your kind words, you trust, your service, and your love.  You will forever hold a special place in my heart and I look forward to the day when we meet again.  :)

Why procrastination is a bad idea.

I've been busy and lazy, so for the last couple of weeks I have delayed uploading some recent pictures I had taken. Pics of Rori at soccer, swimming, along with some pics I took/NEED for a project I'm working on for RS... Yesterday I took a couple more pictures of Rori at swimming. And then two minutes later, my camera died. Like dead. Dead as a door nail.

And because I had the memory stick in it that is not formatted, I can only access those photos while it is in the camera, not on my card reader. And now I cannot access the camera, thus, I cannot access the photos. Great.

I am hoping I have a friend who has a camera that uses this same kind of memory stick so I can access my photos using their camera. But in the meantime, no updated pictures for my blog.

I'm also planning on buying an inexpensive point and shoot camera to replace this one. This kills me though! I had already planned on buying a digital slr in another year or so. I am planning on taking photography classes when Rori starts kindergarten next year and I planned on getting a new camera either around then or as soon as we could afford it after the WDW vacation. I wish we could just buy the digital slr now. But I don't want to spend that much money when our vacation is already in jeapardy. :S

We are planning on getting a new camcorder (in leiu of Ryan and I exchanging anniversary and Christmas gifts) and I could postpone that one instead, but I think I'd rather have the new camcorder before the digital slr.

Why, oh why, couldn't my camera have waited just one more year to die? Bummer. Huh. I guess I wish that the camera had been the procrastinator, not me! ;)

FYI

In case you were wondering... Even if you used to get headaches all the time, when you go to only getting them once or twice a month, they still suck.

Now you know. ;)

Laman and Lemuel

I have started to reread the Book of Mormon again. So this week I've been reading again about Nephi's family. Laman and Lemuel are real boogers, aren't they? They are the "bad guys". We use them as examples of how NOT to behave. And it's true, they really are not good.

This time reading though, I thought of Sariah, their mother. I thought of how heartbreaking it must have been for her to see her sons rebel and cause so much trouble for everyone. They tried to kill their brother - more than once! But she still must have loved them. It was sad to read Lehi's pleading with them to be strong and righteous; fixed and immovable. It was sad to read, knowing that they would not hearken to their father's counsel and would instead choose a very different path.

These parents wanted what I want for my kids. What I think every parent wants for their children. And even though Laman and Lemuel were wicked, their parents still loved them. It just made me feel very differently about them this time. Instead of thinking of how horrible they were and being mad that they would treat their parents and siblings the way they did, I felt so sad for them. So sad for the family. And so sad for Sariah.

I pray I never know what that feels like.

Dear Cold,

Despite what you obviously believe, you are not welcome here. You are a poor mannered house guest. You keep me up all night, you make me neglect my daily duties, and you interrupt my plans with family and friends. I think it would just be best if you would pack your things and go. Now.

Thank you.

Me

Saying goodbye to Simon.

Before taking Simon in, the girls and I spent some time just loving him.  He got special treats, lots of hugs, and lots of petting.  We told him that we love him, that he has been a wonderful dog, and that we are going to miss him.

I believe animals, and especially dogs, can sense things.  I wonder what he thought?  Did he understand?  Was he sad too, or grateful, or both?  Probably both.  I hope he wasn't frightened. 

We were with him as he went to sleep, petting, hugging, and talking to him.  I don't know if he could hear us, he was deaf, but I hoped that he was granted just a little hearing back to hear us comforting him and telling him that we love him.  At least I know he felt our hands and hugs. :)



Last night, Ryan posted some thoughts on his MySpace blog, but since I don't think anyone can read it, I'll repost it here:

Today was a sad day.

There was a successful attempt to assassinate our dog.  This champion of home protection and child happiness was silenced in the twilight of his years (15 or 16 total).  In the end, he was his own enemy.  Literally.  If we hadn't put him down, he probably would have chewed his own end off...I'll let you figure it out.

I would like to share a few memories of our good and faithful dog:

We acquired Simon in 1998 from a family in Idaho who wanted to give him away because they lived on a range and Simon was constantly running down to the road where cars would often go speeding by.  They were afraid that he was going to get run over and chaining him up all the time was not the best solution.  When we first got him, we didn't think he could bark since he never did.  It was months before he first barked around us.  After a while, he became comfortable around us and barked like a normal dog and became our faithful guard dog. 

We had a cat back then, named Tigger.  Simon would copy what the cat would do and go pouncing around the back yard chasing butterflies and crickets.  Simon also took a liking to cat food.  Tigger did not think much of that.  After a couple swipes with his claw, Simon started to learn some manners.  A couple more items the dog learned from the cat was jumping in laps and sleeping at our feet on the bed.  Let's just say the dog was a little too big for both.  lol

Not too long after this, our cat disappeared, but one day, a new arrival came.  Acadia was born and her first welcomer at her new home on Earth was a bright eyed, tail wagging Simon.  Simon proved himself a good nursemaid.  :)

Then we moved to Massachusetts and Simon moved to Sacramento with the Robarts.  They kept good care of him, though he was a bit of a trouble maker.  When we moved to Vancouver, we were reunited and Simon got to welcome the next addition to our family, Aurora.

In Vancouver, Simon accompanied me on many hikes.  In the beginning, when he was younger, he would outpace me up the mountains.  I didn't mind.  He was the bear-bait, leading the way.  When he got older, he was slower, but still bear-bait.  :)

Simon slowed down in his old age, but found new purpose as a foot warmer to any foot near enough to sit on.  He became our greeter at the door, welcoming friends and family to our home.  He was nursemaid to our children, protector in the night, and friendly face every morning. 

He was our friend as well as part of our family.  May he rest in peace until we meet again. 

Goodbye, old friend...

It's so hard to say good-bye.

We've been praying for the last couple of days to know what to do about our dog, Simon.  He is so old, so tired.  He is deaf, going blind, and has skin problems that we can't seem to get a handle on.  He is too old to keep trying expensive medications, especially since they don't seem to be working.  But when I thought I was ready to let him go, I started to have doubts.

We have had Simon longer than we've had children.  At first, he was our child.  We spoiled him rotten!  He's not small, but we let him be a lap dog. lol  He and I used to walk 3 miles together everyday.  He loved going on hikes with Ryan.  Of course, having kids changes things, and eventually, he was demoted to be our pet.  No more getting on furniture or sitting in our laps, though he still loved walks and hikes.

He has been the best family dog!  He loves children and is so patient with them!  He has been faithful, loyal, everything you would want from a dog.  He rarely barks, knew the difference between his toys and the kids' toys, was happy just to sit at (or on) your feet and know that you were his.

This morning, after I don't know how many prayers, I received a feeling that I know and recognize.  It's the feeling of, "I don't want to do this, but this is the right thing."  We had already decided as a family that we knew his time was near and that we were willing to let him go now if that was what was right.  And so, I just called the vet, we have an appointment at 3 o'clock this afternoon.  Even though I am sure this is what is best for him, I feel like I'm betraying him in a way.  I feel like I've just signed his death sentence.  In a way I have. 

I sat with him and asked him if he would be okay.  I get the feeling that he is tired, uncomfortable (though not necessarily in great pain), and ready for a rest.  I know that it will be peaceful for him, I know it will be quick, and then he will find a young, healthy, energetic body to run through endless fields of grass and flowers.  He will be happier.  I still feel guilty.

10 years ago:


2 years ago:


A few years ago, one of the neighbor kids was playing "kitchen" and thought Simon looked hungry:


Poor dog, Cadi actually made him go down the slide! lol


Earlier this year, on a hike in the gorge:


Goodbye Simon.  You were a very good dog.  Thank you for your many faithful, loving years.  We love you!

Today was "Beat Up Rori Day"

Apparently.

After waking this morning, Rori went into her sister's room to wake her. She climbed up on the bed and then, of course, did not want to get down. It's a loft bed. After a few yelling matches, she was finally coming down, but instead of climbing down the ladder like a sane person, she jumped unexepectedly at Big Sis. They both fell. And hit the corner where the closet jets out in the room. They both got hurt. Rori's was worse. Nice big goose egg, right past her hair line. (At least it's hidden.)

While playing in the kitchen, Rori was crawling under/through (?) a barstool (that doesn't belong there and I keep removing but mysteriously finds it's way back). The barstool tipped over. Rori got hurt.

When we got home from running errands today, I told the girls they could get a candy from the jar on the table. Rori insisted on getting it herself. Somehow during the process, she knocked her head on the table. At least it wasn't where her goose egg is.

Also today she fell down, dropped a toy on her foot, and bumped her forehead (though, that one was really not all that hard, especially compared to the other head injuries today)... either this girl is going through a growth spurt, or maybe she just isn't feeling well. Either way, today was NOT her day!

He's still aliiiiiiive!

They say that cats have nine lives... our dog did always think he was a cat.

Simon is old. Really, really old. He has exceeded his breed's life expectancy; he is deaf, going blind, achy/sore, and always scratching. He's got skin problems, which are common for his breed and also his age, and we just learned today that he also has a heart mumur. Wonderful.

I took him to the vet, half expecting to not bring him home. But I didn't have the heart to tell them to just put him down, so instead, I came home with three different medications for him and the promise of two more once these are done. The two that will start at the end of these two weeks will be given daily for the rest of his life. Just what I didn't want to have happen. He's old. If we have to medicate him for the rest of his life just to keep him comfortable and from having these problems, maybe it's time to let go. I should have just told him that we were ready to let him go, but I felt too guilty doing it. It's such a grey area. If only he was REALLY sick, or totally blind, or in a lot of pain... that would make it an easy decision - time to put him out of his misery. But he's not. He's going blind, but can still see enough to get around and even though he's not comfortable, he doesn't seem to be in major pain. He's not doing well but he's not doing that bad either.

Ugh!!!

IF all these meds work, his skin will clear up and that will be nice, but it's not going to take away the fact that he's old, deaf, almost blind, and going to die sometime soon. I made the choice that didn't make me feel guilty today, but I just don't know if it was really the right one. :S

Grandma Cuckoo

Yesterday, Ryan's step-father's mother passed away. I've been thinking about her a lot since we got the call yesterday afternoon.

From the very first time I met her, she treated me like I was one of her grandchildren. I remember how shocked and touched I was when she made me a Christmas present, a crocheted blanket, the first Christmas I knew Ryan. A few years later, that blanket was used in Acadia's nursery, it matched perfectly. :) But at the time, Ryan and I were just dating! Not to mention, Ryan isn't really her grandchild either. But that was the kind of woman she was. She thought of everyone and no one got left out.

We didn't see them very often, usually only at Christmas time, occasionally at other family events during the year, but always, when we did see her, she smiled, hugged us, and included us in whatever was going on. She was so sincere! Several years ago, she sent us a gift with a note, expressing her appreciation for the home videos we share with her each year. She was in the process of going through the family and giving everyone their inheritance early. She sent a little money, which we felt appropriate to use to buy a new digital camcorder since that was something we knew she enjoyed. I often think of her generosity when I use our camcorder and when we make our annual dvd to share with parents/grandparents.

When we were given her e-mail address, it was "grandma cuckoo", I loved it! It sounded like her, silly, fun, joyful. :)

A few years ago, her husband passed away. Though I know she loved being with her family here, I'm sure that she is thrilled to be with him again. I'm grateful for the lessons of kindness that I learned from her and I know that if I, who saw her so infrequently, learned so much from her, her family must have a lifetime of wonderful memories of her. What a great woman. We are sad to learn of her passing, it was a little unexpected, but we are so grateful for the spirit she has and that she can now be reunited with her eternal companion.
Goodbye Grandma Cuckoo, until we meet again.

I'm pretty sure blackberries are evil.

There are not many things that I do not like about living here. But blackberry bushes are certainly one of them!!!

I like blackberries. Yum! Blackberry milkshakes... MMMMMM!!!! But, you know how the devil tries to make evil things appealing? Yeah... blackberries. The blackberries make you think that the bush is a good thing, but do not be deceived!!! They are evil!!! Granted, as long as they are not on or near my yard, they are fine... but the moment one comes into my yard, CURSE THEM!!!

We've been infested by them since we bought this house. They crawl over both of our side neighbors' fences, under them, and sometimes through them! You can't get rid of them. When we cut them back and even when we dig them out, a couple of months later they are back! They are constantly trying to choke out whatever trees/plants we have along the fence and their thorns are nasty, they grab you when you're trying to walk by! We even had one branch grow over the fence, through a tree, over the pathway, and under the make-shift-awning in our backyard just in the last few weeks. It got all the way to our back door. I cut that sucker down today. lol

In fact, today I spent all afternoon ridding one fence line of the little (and not so little) buggers. I think I'll leave the other side of the house for Ryan. ;)

5 Point Stop

We do not recommend it.



Or, as Cadi says, "Rori it the pavement... and the pavement hit back!"

Poor baby.  But it's not slowing her down.  She's a trooper! :)

Human Again

I feel like the characters in Beauty and the Beast:



A few times a month, I wake up with a migraine that makes my life miserable.  It's especially annoying when I have a lot to do that day.  Today was one of those days.  I won't go into details, but I'll just say this.  A few hours ago, I was HATING life.  But now, I feel much better.  Thank goodness for drugs!  And power naps!  And sweet, loving big sisters who watch their little sister while Mom sleeps!

And now, I feel human again. :)

This is me, backing off.

It appears that Rori is simply not interested in anything having to do with the potty, for now. That's okay. She still doesn't want to go to the bathroom in her diaper either, but what can I do about that? A friend suggested taking her diaper off and letting her run around naked, maybe without the diaper on she would use the potty chair as her only option (it would be my luck that she'd just use the floor, but I was willing to give the suggestion a try) but when I tried it, Rori had a fit and insisted on wearing the diaper. I agreed with her because it's just not worth all of this. She's getting all of these negative feelings about potty training and so I think we just need to back off. In another month or two maybe she'll be ready to try again.

Our only problem is that she is still needing to go to the bathroom, (mother nature's not backing off for her) so she continues to cry and complain almost nonstop. She just keeps trying to hold it in! Stubborn little girl. I don't know what to do but wait now. I hope she gets over this fear, I really don't know what else to do. It's rather annoying/frustrating. Why do kids insist on doing things the hard way? When she tells me it hurts (when she's holding it in) I tell her that I know how to make it not hurt but she doesn't like my idea (just letting it out!) and keeps on trying it her way. Stubborn, stubborn child.

Again, reminds me of that post I made a few weeks ago. I am trying to be patient with her because I realize, I'm just as stupidly stubborn about some things, too. :S

At this point, I don't know if there is anymore advice out there. But what I bet would help even more are prayers. It seems so silly, but if you feel so inclined, would you pray for her to feel safe and comfortable going to the bathroom again? I'm putting it in the Lord's hands now.

Disappointment

Disappointment: noun

1.The act or fact of disappointing.

2.The state or feeling of being disappointed.

3.A person or thing that disappoints.

4.When you make your VERY FAVORITE meal for dinner, plus extra to freeze for another night of deliciousness, only to find that the pot you used was not properly rinsed after being washed and now your entire meal tastes like dishsoap.