Watching from the sidelines.

Sometimes time and distance changes things.

I love my family and I miss interacting with them on a daily basis like I was able to before Ryan and I moved 14 years ago. At first, it was really hard for me, I was so homesick! For years, I wanted to move back so we could be near them again. But time has lessened that feeling. I still love and miss them, but I don't feel homesick anymore. I'm happy where I am and I don't need to move back in order to feel like I'm home. I feel like this is my home and it's where I want to be.

My relationships with my family members have changed because of this. And that makes me sad. I don't feel as close to them, or they to me. I really wish they knew my girls better and had better relationships with them. When I go home to visit, I feel like an outsider. Not that anyone treats me like that - just that I don't know the history behind things, or inside jokes, or what is "the usual".

And then there are the times when something happens and I hear the recounting of the story, but of course, I am not there, so I don't really understand all of it. And I realize that. In some ways, it's easier during those times. I am 600 miles away from the drama, stress, emotions, etc. so when I step away from the e-mail or hang up the phone, I can go on with my daily life and try not to think about what is going on. But that just makes me more of an outsider, and who wants to feel that way about family?

I don't know the answers. I watch from the sidelines because I'm not involved and I wasn't there, so I can't really say anything. My thoughts or feelings hardly count because I wasn't there, I don't know. So, I wait to see how things turn out. It's kind of a miserable feeling. I want to say, "Can't we all just get along?" But I know full well that if I was there, it wouldn't be that simple.

It's hard to know that people are having a hard time and there isn't anything you can do about it. It's hard to sit from the sidelines and just watch things happen to your family that you have no control or say over. I know that I don't know exactly what happened or what it's like, so I know I can't fully judge either way and I can't really say what I think because what I think is only a 600 mile away point of view based on only what I've heard. Because I wasn't there and don't know the full story, I try not to judge or draw conclusions of my own. I try to give the benefit of the doubt. But I know that the ones there can't do that and they do have to make choices on how to handle it and I certainly can't tell them what choice to make because, of course, I wasn't there - I don't know. I also realize that my feelings and opinions are going to be a little different simply because of the distance/seperation between me and everyone else - and that they might not be what's right for those who are actually there and IN it.

Some of my husband's extended family don't speak to each other. There are siblings that haven't spoken in years. And when he is in the area, he has to see them seperately because they refuse to be anywhere that the others are. Sometimes they even get mad if a family member goes to visit and sees the others, even if they also go to see them, too. It's not just inconvenient for those of us who are there to visit family, it's also just plain sad. I never thought something like that would ever happen to my family - and I don't know that it will - I really hope it won't, but I can kind of see now how it could start.

I want the best for each of my siblings and for my family as a whole. I am the oldest and when I did still live at home, most of my siblings were still kids. I naturally had more of an influence (for better or worse, lol) back then. Now, they are all adults and even if I was there, they are capable of, and responsible for, making their own decisions. I don't want to make anyone's decisions for them but it does leave me feeling kind of helpless. I hope that whatever changes need to be made, are made. And whatever needs to be forgiven, is forgiven. Ultimately, I hope and pray that there is growth for everyone and that as everyone moves forward, it is done in a way that makes our family stronger. From here, I feel like hoping and praying is all I can do. :S