I got a call from one of Cadi's friend's parents just before Cadi came home from school. The friend had an "interesting" haircut and claimed that Acadia had cut her hair.
I was shocked! Acadia has never played with scissors that way and we've talked about not cutting hair. When she got off the bus I started to talk to her about it. She claimed she never cut the hair.
Then the parent called back. Now the friend admitted that she had cut her own hair, but it was Acadia who told her to.
Acadia did not answer when I asked if it was true. I told her that a good friend NEVER tells someone to do something they know is wrong. And that it is just as bad to encourage someone to do something wrong as it is to do it yourself.
I also explained that not only is her friend in trouble AND she is in trouble, but that the parents are not likely to want their child to play with someone who is a bad influence on them. She needs to make sure that she does not behave in a way that parents don't want their children to be with her.
Acadia then admitted that cutting her hair was her idea. I told her that I was going to ground her for one week, but since she told the truth it is now reduced to one weekend. (We are also reinforcing the importance of always telling the truth.) I told her what her "sentence" would have been, but that it was reduced because she was being honest and telling the truth.
We have heard (from the same family) that supposedly Acadia will say things to this friend like, "If you don't give me a strand of your hair, you aren't my friend." or "If we don't have a playdate, then you don't want to be my friend." When I've asked Cadi about this, she says that she has never said it. She says that some of the other girls in class talk like that, but she doesn't.
I want to believe her, but when I hear it repeatedly, it's hard to. Could the friend be not telling the truth? Could she be confusing Cadi with someone else? Is Cadi not telling the truth?
I don't know how to teach Cadi that this type of behavior is unacceptable. I've talked to her, explained it to her but I don't know if she's "getting" it. I don't even know if she has a problem with it in the first place. How do I know? How do I teach her, if it is a problem?
Any suggestions? Greatly needed and appreciated!
3 comments:
Debi commented 5/6/05:
No advice here - not a parent yet and I have no idea of what I would do. I know you WANT to believe her, everyone wants to believe their children, but it's hard when people say things over and over and you don't know if your kid is telling the truth or trying to stay out of trouble.
Hopefully someone else will be able to help you out here, though. :( You could always set up a "nanny cam" and see if you catch her in the act.
5/6/05:
When they first called and said Cadi had cut the hair, my first question was whether or not the teacher knew about it. That's the best "nanny cam" I have when she's at school.
Unfortunately, the most interaction the kids have where this type of dialogue would take place is either on the playground or on the bus, both where the adults aren't right next to them.
Barbara commented 5/6/05:
Sounds to me like you are doing a very good job so far!
- You are in communication with Acadia and her friends' families.
-You apply what you know of Acada's behavior.
-You helped her understand the consequences of certain types of behavior.
-You helped her know it is better to tell the truth even if you make a mistake.
Still it is tough. I have come up against similar situations and I still don't know. (One of the reasons I hate those all-wise mother stories on Mother's Day) When do your trust your child and when do you believe others or your own fears or suspicions?
Trust your gut. Consider the source. Pray. Do your best.
You probably will make mistakes. Sorry. That's life. Just keep trying.
And always try to make sure your child knows and feels you love her, no matter what. Although I think it is fair to teach them that relationships are affected by actions and trustworthiness.
Kids will be kids and do and say things we try to teach them not to.This is "normal." Not desirable or acceptable, but something many kids try out. This stuff is minor leagues and not for you to get too worked up about. It is, however, where they experiment, practice and develop character. It is not to be ignored, either. Like I said, I think you are parenting well. Hopefuly, between your counsel and the natural consequences of their behavier, Acadia will learn and internalize the values of true friendship and acceptable behavior.
Home Evenings on friendship where Acadia can talk and learn about how she would feel being on either end of those manipulating kind of conversations and how she could handle it might help. She may well have had experiences with both sides of it.
Good job! Keep talking and listening. Especially listening. To Acadia. To her friends and their families. To the teacher.
Acadia is a lucky girl! She has great parents.
And she deserves it.
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