For the first time in my life, I have actually felt a desire for my life to be shorter. I was reading in Alma 12 & 13 and it was talking about how we will one day stand before God and be accountable for our life. In Chapter 13 we are told to not procrastinate the day of our repentance and then to continue to pray always, endure to the end, you know - all that jazz. ;) Anyhow, it got me to thinking that I feel like for the most part, right now I'm doing okay. At least, I'm doing the best I can. I can always do better but I'm really trying to. But I wonder, how long can I keep this up? Somedays are just tiring! Yesterday was one of them. I didn't want the responsibility yesterday. I didn't want to be RS president, I didn't want to have the weight of raising my children with EVERYTHING they'll need in order to be successfull (especially spiritually), I didn't want to have to work hard to take care of my body or my house... I was just tired and wanted to give up!
Thankfully, today I feel better. But as I read last night, I just thought, how long can I keep going before I get too tired (spiritually)? I hope it never happens, that I'm always able to at least give it my best and sincerely try my hardest. I do have a firm testimony of the Gospel and I know that the only thing that could weaken it would be my own choices to be disobedient. And for a moment, I thought, "Gee, I hope I'm taken before I start to to slip."
I have thought MANY times before, that I would like the Second Coming to happen soon. Mostly because of all the awfulness in the world. Whenever I hear about children being abused in any way, I just wish it would end, that the Savior would come and all the evil and wickedness would go away - so no other innocent children would ever be hurt, if nothing else! But this was the first time I actually thought that dying earlier would be better/easier than later. (*Disclaimer: these are nowhere near suicidal thoughts. I simply thought if my natural life ended up being shorter instead of having to endure for another 50-60 years or so, that would be nice! lol)
But don't worry, I'm not desiring that anymore. It was a short thought just because I had been so tired that day and didn't feel quite up to "enduring to the end". Usually, I feel like I'm up for the long haul and I want to just prove that I can do it. For someone who has no desire to run an actual marathon, it's funny that I view it that way. I see this life as a marathon. I want to reach that finish line knowing that I didn't ever give up and that I had earned the reward. And it sure does feel like a marathon some days! lol I guess yesterday I was just on a "Heartbreak Hill", but thankfully not all days are like that and today I feel more like I'm running on level ground. :)
2 comments:
Barbara commented 3/18/08:
When I think about the pain and sorrow in the world, all the innocents who suffer, especially children and also animals, I do want the end to come soon. When I think about how I am doing, I want to ask for more time to do better. Unfortuately, in the last several decades, I have not made enough progress that one could expect to see great improvement at the present rate.
I often wonder what it means to do one's best. I try to be good. I really try most of the time. But, am I doing my best? Either way the answer goes, it is a little pathetic.
3/18/08:
True, how do we know that we are really doing our best? Like I said, I know I could be better. So, really I'm NOT doing my best right now. But then, maybe for right now, just trying to do my best is my best. lol Okay, this is getting confusing.
I know that the Lord doesn't compare us to each other. What I expect though, is that He might compare me to myself. Have I worked hard to progress? Am I moving forward, toward Him? And at what rate? Is it slower than I should have been going?
I'm trying to make sure that I'm definitely going forward and hopefully as steadily and even speedily as I personally can. (Remember, I think this is a marathon, not a sprint though. I want my steady progress to be solid and sure, I'm not looking to run so fast that I burn out and then fall behind. But I do want to be steady at the quickest pace possible for me.) I think that is what I consider my best.
Mom, do you think you're testimony has strengthened? Have you learned to trust the Lord more? I know the answers to that. You have progressed more than you give yourself credit for.
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